Communication, Curiosity, and the Power of "Yes, And"
"Yatsuo no Tsubaki," Taguchi Tomoki (1860–1869)
Communication is more than an exchange of words—it is a way of relating, understanding, and co-creating meaning with others. The way we respond in conversation can either open new possibilities or shut them down. A subtle but powerful shift in language, from saying “yes, but” to “yes, and could you tell me more?”, fosters curiosity, reduces defensiveness, and enhances meaningful dialogue. Both Jungian psychology and Dialogue Therapy, developed by Polly Young-Eisendrath, PhD and Ed Epstein, PhD support an approach to communication that prioritizes openness, relational attunement, and the integration of multiple perspectives.
Jungian Individuation and Communication as a Path to Wholeness
Communication is not just about external relationships—it also mirrors our relationship with ourselves. Jung’s process of individuation involves integrating unconscious aspects of the psyche, allowing a person to become a more whole and authentic version of themselves. However, one of the greatest obstacles to individuation is defensiveness, which arises when the ego resists unfamiliar or challenging ideas. The phrase “yes, but” often signals this resistance, reinforcing a rigid worldview and shutting down alternative perspectives.
By contrast, saying “yes, and could you tell me more?” reflects a more open approach to dialogue—one that embraces paradox, ambiguity, and integration. This mirrors the transcendent function—Jung’s concept of holding opposing forces in tension until a third, integrative resolution emerges. In conversation, this means acknowledging both our own truth and the possibility that another perspective may add depth or new insight. (In Hegelian philosophy, this is known as dialectics, wherein a synthesis arises out of the co-mingling and extracting of a thesis and antithesis.) Just as individuation requires engaging with unconscious material rather than dismissing it, meaningful communication requires remaining open to what the other person brings to the dialogue.
“Vivienne Lee-Johnson As Seen Through The Eyes Of Her Husband,” Eric Lee Johnson
Dialogue Therapy for Couples: The Transformative Power of Curiosity.
Dialogue Therapy, pioneered by Polly Young-Eisendrath and Ed Epstein, is designed to help couples and relational partners move beyond conflict and misunderstanding. A central tenet of this approach is relational mindfulness, which encourages partners to remain curious rather than reactive. The phrase “yes, but” often signals a conversational dead end, where one perspective is subtly dismissed or diminished. By contrast, “yes, and could you tell me more?” fosters an expansive dialogue in which both partners feel heard, validated, and valued.
Dialogue Therapy also emphasizes differentiation, the ability to tolerate differences without anxiety or defensiveness. This is essential for deepening intimacy and maintaining authentic connection. Rather than seeing differences as threats, partners are encouraged to view them as opportunities for growth and learning. This shift mirrors Jung’s individuation process, where integration of opposing elements leads to a more complete sense of self. In relationships, this means allowing space for multiple truths rather than feeling the need to be “right” or “win” the conversation.
Shifting from "Yes, But" to "Yes, And" in Everyday Interactions.
Cultivating this approach in daily life requires both awareness and intentionality. The impulse to say “yes, but” often comes from a place of habit, self-protection, or unconscious bias. Catching ourselves in these moments and replacing “but” with “and” can transform how we relate to others. This practice is especially valuable in therapy, conflict resolution, and personal relationships, where defensive communication often leads to disconnection.
At its core, shifting from “yes, but” to “yes, and” is more than a linguistic tweak—it is a psychological and relational transformation. It fosters openness, integration, and trust, encouraging a deeper, more generative form of dialogue. Whether viewed through the lens of Jungian individuation or Dialogue Therapy, this approach supports growth, connection, and the emergence of new possibilities through conversation.
How often do you reply to your partner, colleague, or friend with, “yes, but…”?
Schedule a free 30-minute consult to see how you can recalibrate your everyday interactions through curiosity, openness, and trust.
Lisa A. Rainwater, PhD, MA (couns), LCMHC, CCMHC, CCTP, CT is the owner of Rainwater Counseling in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where she provides depth psychotherapy and relational attachment and grief counseling to individuals and couples. She earned a master’s in German Studies from the University of Oregon; a master’s in Counseling from Wake Forest University; and a doctorate in German and Scandinavian Studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Lisa holds certification in Jungian and Post-Jungian Clinical Concepts from the Centre of Applied Jungian Studies. She is a Certified Dialogue Therapist for Couples — a psychoanalytic and mindfulness-based couples modality. Lisa is a Certified Thanatologist through the Association of Death Education and Counseling and has trained at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition in Grief Therapy as Meaning Reconstruction.
She is licensed to practice in North Carolina, Colorado, and Wisconsin.
