when grief is complicated
Culture, spirituality, ethnicity, race, and religion can shape a family’s values and beliefs—forming the foundation of one’s worldview. From within this system, children observe family members participating in loss rituals. These early experiences can influence how we respond to loss in the future.
In this new blog series, I discuss types of complicated grief and how counseling can help a person struggling in their time of mourning.
Complicated Grieving
While each individual responds to loss uniquely—and each loss evokes a unique response—our worldview and belief system buoy our early coping strategies throughout our life’s journey.
When a loss disrupts an individual’s sense of self and upends one’s worldview, complications in grieving can arise. A violent death, such as a mass shooting, can make one question the safety and sanctity of life. In 2022 Pew Trusts noted, “Research shows that mass shootings lead to higher rates of depression and anxiety and higher risks for suicide among young people. They also lead to an overall decline in a community’s sense of well-being.”
The death of a child can make one question the purpose and meaning of life in a harsh, unjust world. Grieving parents can experience a vast range of emotions, including guilt, anger, resentment, depression, and alienation individually or toward the other partner. A grief counselor can provide a safe holding space for both parents to express themselves and explore their individual and collective loss.
The inability to make sense of a loss and difficulties in reconstructing one’s life in that absence can lead to unhealthy coping strategies and/or complicated grief.
Disenfranchised Grief
Certain types of losses can potentially lead to complicated grief due to a lack of social support and/or recognition. A leader in grief work, Keneth J. Doka defined disenfranchised grief
“as grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned.”
You can experience this type when your loss is invalidated, stigmatized, or unrecognized by family members, society, or culture. Families that have lost a loved one to suicide or homicide can become isolated in their grief, as their community seeks distance from the tragedy.
You can also experience disenfranchised grief if your loss is viewed as insignificant. Couples may find it difficult to share the news of a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss, and when they do, they may not receive the type of emotional support they had hoped for.
The death of a pet can be a significant loss, but bereavement support is often all but absent and not recognized by employers.
What you can do to help your grieving loved one
Listen with empathy
Respond without judgment
Allow for time to heal from loss
Check in and offer to deliver a hot meal
Acknowledge that loss is very personal
Avoid giving advice
Offer a hug
Are you experiencing complicated grief?
In the absence of social validation and support, you may have turned inward to avoid pressures to “move on” or “get another pet” or “try again.” You may have noticed changes in your behavior—or a family member or friend has shared their concerns with you.
Changes may include isolation and social withdrawal, increased alcohol or drug use, intense yearning and loneliness, and ongoing. You may find disinterest in things that once brought you pleasure, feelings of numbness and/or hopelessness, sleep disruptions, and changes in appetite. Some people experience suicidal ideation can also be a sign that you are experiencing difficulties in accepting the reality of your loss. For 24/7/365 HELP, dial OR text 988, the U.S. toll-free Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Working with a certified grief professional can help you along your journey. Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation.
Check back next week, when I discuss complicated grief and ambiguous loss.
Lisa A. Rainwater, PhD, MA (couns) LCMHCA, NCC, CGP, CT is the owner of Rainwater Counseling in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She earned a master’s in German studies from the University of Oregon; a master’s in counseling from Wake Forest University; and a doctoral degree in German and Scandinavian studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. She is a Certified Thanatologist through the Association of Death Education and Counseling and is seeking certification in Grief Therapy as Meaning Reconstruction at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition.
