Tips for Parenting Behind the White Walker Wall.
Illustration 318450811 © Nathee Sanbooytho | Dreamstime.com
In Game of Thrones, the White Walker Wall is a 300-mile long, ice and rock fortification that separates the Kingdom of the North from the wildlings living beyond its northern border. The Wall’s purpose is to keep the White Walkers—supernatural humanoids who live north of the Wall—out of Westeros.
The Wall can be seen as a metaphor for the protective role of parenting: Just as the Wall shields the realm from the dangers of the White Walkers, parents create a barrier of security and love to protect their children from the harsh realities of the world. The Wall symbolizes the vigilance and care that parenting requires, where parents must constantly be engaged and attentive to their children’s development, needs, and challenges.
The White Walkers represent the fears and dangers that children may encounter as they develop—include self-esteem and identity issues, losses, bullying, jealousy, or failures. Parenting involves preparing children for these challenges, much like the Night’s Watch stands ready to confront threats from beyond the Wall. The harsh conditions beyond the Wall reflect the difficulties of the outside world, and parents strive to equip their children with the resilience and skills needed to navigate life independently within the protectives walls of a home or homes.
The Protective Role of Parenting.
Working together as parents to raise children is crucial for fostering a stable and nurturing environment that promotes their overall well-being. Whether parenting in one household or co-parenting across multiple homes, when parents collaborate, they create a consistent framework of values, rules, and expectations, helping children feel secure and understand boundaries. This teamwork also models positive relationships and conflict resolution, teaching children essential social and emotional skills. Additionally, when parents support each other, they can better manage the challenges of parenting, reduce stress, and maintain a healthier relationship, which in turn creates a more harmonious home life. By working together, parents not only enhance their children’s development but also strengthen their own partnership.
Parenting Tips Behind the Wall.
Reflect Respect.
When parents show respect to each other, they set a powerful example for their children, demonstrating what healthy, loving relationships look like. Respect between parents creates a stable and harmonious home environment where children feel secure and valued. It shows children how to navigate differences, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts with empathy and understanding. This mutual respect also strengthens the partnership between parents, enabling them to work together as a cohesive team in raising their children. When children observe their parents treating each other with respect, they are more likely to internalize these behaviors, learning to value and respect others in their own relationships.
Respect of each other also includes respect for individual parenting styles:
Embrace Differences: Each parent may have a different approach to parenting. As long as these approaches are healthy and respectful, try to embrace them rather than criticize.
Find Common Ground: Focus on your shared values and the common goals you have for your children.
Overall, respect between parents is essential for fostering a positive family dynamic and helping children develop strong interpersonal skills.
Serve the Oreo Method.
The Oreo Method of constructive feedback is a communication technique with a child used to correct a behavior in a balanced and positive way. It involves '“stuffing” the important content between two positive statements. Here’s how it works:
Positive Opening (Cookie 1): Start by acknowledging something positive about the child’s behavior or performance. This sets a supportive tone and helps the child feel valued.
Constructive feedback (Creamy Filling): Next, address the area that needs improvement. Be specific and focus on the behavior or action rather than the child. The goal is to provide clear, actionable feedback that the child can use to improve.
Positive Closing (Cookie 2): End with another positive comment or encouragement. This could be a recognition of the child’s potential, a reinforcement of their strengths, or a reminder of the overall love you have for them. This final positive note helps maintain the child’s morale and leaves them feeling motivated rather than discouraged.
The Oreo Method is effective because it makes the criticism easier to accept and shows that the feedback is coming from a place of care and support.
Use the Socratic Method.
The Socratic method, which involves asking thoughtful, open-ended questions to stimulate critical thinking and self-reflection, is highly useful in parenting. By employing this method, parents encourage their children to think deeply about their decisions, values, and actions rather than simply dictating what they should do. This approach fosters independent thinking and problem-solving skills, helping children to develop a stronger sense of responsibility and self-awareness.
If you are teaching a child a family rule, e.g., no food allowed in the bedroom, you may use the Socratic method while they are learning the rule and whenever they make a mistake and eat, ahem, Oreos in bed.
Parent: I see you brought Oreos to your bedroom.
Child: Uh huh. They’re really good (with a chocolaty grin).
Parent: I’m wondering if you remember why eating Oreos in the bedroom are not the greatest idea.
Child: Ummmmm …. because I get crumbs in the bed?
Parent: You got it! Anything else come to mind? [Parent looking at Bowler, the drooling family dog.]
Child: Ummmm … because my bed gets with with Bowler’s slobber? [giggles]
Parent: Yes, and chocolate is poisonous for dogs.
Child: I remember now!
Parent: I knew you would!
Moreover, the Socratic method strengthens the parent-child relationship by promoting open dialogue and mutual respect. It shows children that their opinions are valued and that they have the capacity to reason through complex situations, ultimately empowering them to make more informed and thoughtful choices as they grow.
Avoid the Why, Remain Curious.
The word “why” can put someone on the defensive because it often feels like an interrogation or challenge, implying that their actions, thoughts, or feelings need to be justified. When asked “Why did you do that?,” a child might feel as though they are being questioned or judged, which can trigger a defensive response as they attempt to protect themselves from perceived criticism. This defensiveness can arise because “why” is sometimes associated with fault-finding or with uncovering something that is wrong or illogical. As a result, the child being asked may feel pressured to explain or defend themselves, rather than engaging in an open and relaxed conversation. The tone and context in which “why” is used can also influence how it is received, but in general, the directness of the word can make people feel vulnerable or attacked.
Instead of asking why your child did something (perhaps eating Oreos in bed), become curious about their behavior or action. Remaining curious in parenting reduces judgment by encouraging a more open and understanding approach to your child’s behavior and experiences. When parents stay curious, they are more likely to ask questions and seek to understand the reasons behind their child’s actions (which very well might make sense in the developed brain of a 5-year-old), rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. This curiosity helps parents explore the underlying emotions, thoughts, or motivations driving their child’s behavior—allowing them to respond with empathy and insight rather than criticism or frustration.
By being curious, parents create a non-judgmental space where children feel safe to express themselves and share their thoughts and feelings. This approach not only strengthens the parent-child relationship but also promotes a more supportive and nurturing environment. It helps parents avoid labeling or categorizing their child's behavior too quickly, leading to more thoughtful and effective guidance. Overall, curiosity in parenting fosters better communication, deeper connections, and a more compassionate understanding of a child’s unique perspective.
Eliminate Dismissive Phrases.
Dismissive phrases, such as “You’re overreacting,” “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’ll get over it,” can be harmful to children because they invalidate their feelings and experiences. When a child’s emotions or concerns are brushed off, they may feel misunderstood, unimportant, or unworthy of attention. This can lead to a decrease in self-esteem and trust, as the child may start to believe that their feelings are not valid or that expressing them is not acceptable.
Over time, dismissive phrases can discourage open communication between the child and the parent, as the child might fear being dismissed or judged if they share their thoughts and emotions. This can hinder the child’s emotional development, making it difficult for them to process and manage their feelings in a healthy way. Additionally, when children consistently experience dismissiveness, they might internalize the message that their emotions don’t matter, leading to potential long-term issues with self-expression, emotional regulation, and relationships.
Prioritize Your Relationship: Make time for date nights or activities that you enjoy together to maintain your connection as a couple.
Support Self-Care: Encourage each other to take breaks and engage in self-care to prevent burnout.
Emote like a Prius, not an Alfa Romeo.
Regulating emotions can be compared to managing the acceleration of a car from 0 to 60 mph. Just as a driver carefully controls the speed to ensure a smooth and safe journey, individuals need to manage their emotional responses to prevent overwhelming reactions. If you slam the gas pedal and accelerate too quickly, the car can become difficult to control, much like how emotions can spiral out of control if they escalate too fast. On the other hand, if you gradually and thoughtfully increase speed, you maintain better control over the vehicle, just as pacing your emotional reactions allows for more measured and constructive responses. Learning to regulate emotions effectively is like mastering the art of driving: It requires awareness, practice, and the ability to adjust your pace based on the situation, ensuring that you don’t go from 0 to 60 too quickly and lose control. Driving a Prius, not an Alfa Romeo, can help.
Be Patient with Each Other.
Parenting is a demanding journey that often tests patience and endurance. To navigate this challenge successfully, it's vital for partners to acknowledge and appreciate each other’s efforts regularly. Expressing gratitude for the hard work each person contributes helps to maintain mutual respect and support. Additionally, understanding that no one is perfect and that mistakes will inevitably occur is crucial. Instead of dwelling on errors or holding grudges, focusing on forgiveness and moving forward together strengthens the relationship and creates a more harmonious environment for both parents and children. This approach fosters a positive and cooperative parenting dynamic, benefiting the entire family.
Seek Support.
In the Game of Thrones, the White Walkers were not defeated by The Night’s Watch along but by intricate alliances that included the Starks, Daenerys Targaryen, Tormund Giantsbane, Jorah Mormont, The Unsullied, and The Dothraki. Parenting benefits from alliances as well, be it from family, neighbors, schools, spiritual and religious communities, and individual and couples therapy.
Couples therapy can significantly enhance parenting by improving communication, aligning parenting approaches, and reducing household stress. Through therapy, partners can develop better ways to discuss and resolve parenting issues, creating a unified and consistent approach to raising their children. By addressing relationship conflicts and providing emotional support, couples therapy helps establish a more stable and peaceful home environment. This not only benefits the couple’s relationship but also provides a nurturing and supportive atmosphere for children, fostering their emotional and developmental well-being.
Final Thoughts about the Wall.
The inevitable fall of the Wall serves as a metaphor for the moment when parents must let go, trusting that they have prepared their children to face the world on their own. This mirrors the reality that no protective barrier can last forever, and eventually, children must step out and confront life’s challenges without their parents’ constant protection.
Are there ways you and your partner would lie to learn how to work better together?
As a certified Dialogue Therapist for Couples, I help married and separated parents learn how to negotiate conflict through the cultivation of self understanding and understanding of the other.
Dialogue Therapy encompasses three main methods and theories:
Psychoanalytical: interpreting and finding meaning in unconscious communication and emotional demands originating in an individual’s early attachment bonds, relational trauma, or other trauma.
Mindfulness: learning and practicing how to pay close attention to emotional expression, tone, volume, and physicality.
Psychodrama/composition work: techniques include unblocking, doubling, alter ego, role reversal, and using found objects to explore myriad aspects of self.
I would be happy to meet with you as a couple or individually to help you master the art of co-parenting.
Lisa A. Rainwater, PhD, MA (couns), LCMHC, CCMHC, CCTP, CT is the owner of Rainwater Counseling in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where she provides depth psychotherapy and relational attachment and grief counseling to individuals and couples. She earned a master’s in German Studies from the University of Oregon; a master’s in Counseling from Wake Forest University; and a doctorate in German and Scandinavian Studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Lisa is a Certified Thanatologist through the Association of Death Education and Counseling and is seeking certification in Grief Therapy as Meaning Reconstruction at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition. She is a Certified Dialogue Therapist for Couples and holds certification in Jungian and Post-Jungian Clinical Concepts fromthe Centre of Applied Jungian Studies.
She is licensed to practice in North Carolina and Colorado.
Notes
Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2011). Marital conflict and children: An emotional security perspective. New York: Guilford.
Feinberg, M. E. (2003). The internal structure and ecological context of coparenting: A framework for research and intervention. Parenting: Science and Practice, 3(2), 95-131.
McHale, J. P., & Lindahl, K. M. (2011). Coparenting: A conceptual and clinical examination of family systems. American Psychological Association.
Pruett, M. K., Williams, T. Y., Insabella, G., & Little, T. D. (2003). Family and legal indicators of child adjustment to divorce among families with young children. Journal of Family Psychology, 17(2), 169-180.
Teubert, D., & Pinquart, M. (2010). The association between co-parenting and child adjustment: A meta-analysis. Parenting: Science and Practice, 10(4), 286-307.
